Sunday, July 31, 2005

and you thought i was doing just fine...

and you thought
i was doing just fine...





in the eighteen years and eight months of my existence, i haven't cried in public. not that i'm proud of it. i just don't like the feeling of being curiously looked at by a lot of strangers while i'm trying to gain my emotional stability. i think i have this gift of effortlessly suppressing intense emotions in front of a lot of people just for the sake of appearing... fine. crying brings my emotions to equlibrium, especially when doing it alone. it's sort of a defense mechanism in my dealing with times of stress and depression. it gives me relief, really.





i find it weird why i could actually blog this and let the public know of it when in fact, i can't even do the deed in front of them. i can't even believe that i'm really blogging this. i'm so much of a private person, even my closest friends can attest to that. details usually get screwed up even when i'm just trying to share simple personal things. anyway, i'm in the mood to share.





don't get me wrong. i'm not a cry baby. i only cry when i can't contain the pain anymore. neither am i putting you under the impression that my life is quite hapless. i love it. given a chance to live another one, i'd still choose mine. i mean... i have a great family, supportive relatives, understanding friends, wonderful experiences, etc. it's just that contentment seems to stay in a state wherein it's so near yet at the same time, so far. i believe it is man's nature to always live on the verge of acquiring something more... of being something better.





isn't it amazing why we cry when we feel sad? i mean, isn't it a wonder why tears have to fall? why not simply feel sad without any contingent reaction? oh well, some things are better left unanswered. it just happens. period.





in the solace of my room, i often try to to imbibe the character i want to be. i assess everything from the most quintessential to the most life-changing. would doing this help me to attain that? what consequences would this lead to? am i capable enough? was i stupid? insensitive? unproductive? the four walls of my room have been witnesses to all these. when i get too deep, i can't hold back my emotions anymore - for as long as i'm in solitude. i haven't cried for quite a long time. not until recently. it was just one of those days in my routine life when things were going too mundanely. then suddenly, with no apparent instigation whatsoever, as if acceding more to the principles of free-fall motion, tears started dropping.





if only my subconscious can utter a description of what i've been becoming lately, one word would suffice: indifferent. i fear being like one. i can still remember how my philo professor put it, "the opposite of love is not hatred, but indifference." i don't want to lose the feeling of feeling something. if truth be told, i'd rather hate something than to show nonchalance and just be numb. it's pointless.





i have not the slightest idea. my "indifference" might be caused by my being so stuck on the past to the point that i overlook the opportunities surrounding me. i don't know. it's just that i have so much nice memories of the past that i have this bad habit of comparing it with the present. sometimes it's just so hard not to have regrets. letting go was quite easy. moving on is just so hard.





Individual people get stuck in some point of their lives and do not get free. Life in the past cannot be shared with the present. Each person who gets stuck in time gets stuck alone.





that's from Einstein's Dreams. my friend shared it to me when i was emotionally low before. i almost forgot it. good thing it's in his blog.





i was reminded.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

great...

great...





great things happen to me in times wherein i have the slightest feeling that something great is going to happen...





and i'm glad it happened again...





and i'm smiling...





...again!





indeed, God has His way of balancing things out....





and it's just so... great!

Friday, July 15, 2005

'cause what i don't understand

is why i'm feeling so bad now

when i know it was my idea

i could've just denied the truth and lied

now why am i the only one standing stranded

on the same ground





self-denial

is a game so strange

i never really should've wanted

'til there was you

'cause i have learned that love was beyond

what human can imagine

more it clears

the more i gotta let you go...

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

helloooooooooo world! i'm kat. and i'm just so... consumed! can't even remember when was the last time i had a life!




school sucks. super busy. no time for blogging muna. i'm off.

Friday, July 01, 2005

yehesssss... it's friday night! i could sleep for as long as i want!